…my friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends, oh Lord won’t you buy me an Audi TT?
I was car shopping a while ago. Being on a student budget I can’t really afford much and people keep telling me I should buy a Toyota, only I want an Audi. Now, I’m one of those people that think the idea of driving around in a Toyota is repulsive (I know, I know, it’s like the best car ever, it lasts forever, it’s great, I know). I just simply can’t stand the idea of it.
I was brought up to think you can eat a brick if you really want to. I never understood why people looked funnily at me when I said I was going to become a millionaire (or billionaire, really). I’d happily refer to people like Branson and say if they could do it so could I. It never dawned on me that other people don’t think like that and got offended when I spoke – they thought I thought I was someone special, whereas I thought anyone who was prepared to go through what it takes can get to wherever they want to be and I happened to want to become a famous filmmaker and entrepreneur.
How many times do you get completely lost in a project? In a job you have to do? In a person you are dating? How many times do you drift into daydreams about the future? How many times are you so excited about something you just can’t think about something else?
I used to be like that. I was completely swept off my feet by a project I was working on. I was super excited when I went on a date with a nice guy. I was over the moon when someone promised to help me out with something that would move me further along with my business. I had goals and anything and anyone who promised to take me closer to these made me super excited, because I figured when I reached my goals I’d be happy and self-confident. I was a fool.
When the rough times come you suddenly realize that you can’t keep your thoughts on the good stuff going on around you – you are too depressed, or into the problem, to notice. But when it’s the good stuff you are caught up in, you don’t notice. Who cares about smelling the flowers when someone just promised you a million in investments? Who?
I do. I do now. Because for years my life was a rollercoaster. I didn’t have a sense of who I am, or what my life is without all the exciting stuff going on around me. After a few years of being promised everything from the moon to the stars by lovers and business associates, I now know that no matter what is going on around you, you have to have your own life. Or you will break your own heart over and over again because you have handed it out for everyone to play with, but it’s your heart. It’s you that should be playing with it.
I was a needy one. I needed that person’s knowledge and that person’s money to set up my company. I needed that guy’s love and that gal’s friendship to feel good about myself. I needed them for my happiness. I needed success for my happiness. And I worked like a maniac to become a greater person to achieve it, because I simply thought I was shit if I didn’t and I couldn’t imagine a life not doing what I love 24/7.
After two years of setbacks and a cancer scare I broke down. I had the sudden realization that no matter how hard I work I might never become a successful entrepreneur and filmmaker, I might never marry Mr Right, I might never become as self-confident as I want to be, I might never get the immune system I want and at any given moment all hell might break lose. Because life happens. I wanted to control life to ensure it would go my way, but after those two years, I had no frigging clue if it ever would.
The day I broke down I began to live. I accepted my life. I accepted myself. My circumstances might not be ideal, but I am going to live within them. People might promise me the moon, so what, I have my life. Great if I get the moon too, but what I have right now I enjoy as much as I can and I play with it.
Every company idea I’ve ever had or script I’ve ever written has been about how to indulge more in life and how to play more. Finally I think I’m doing it myself.
Get me right: I still love my projects, my dates, my whatever and I still have grand goals and dreams that give me purpose and meaning in life, the difference is that my only expectation is to do my best and enjoy myself. What I will get from that I don’t know. My dad was always very proud that I didn’t need special “kids’ food” (read: meatballs and mash), I ate pretty much any “strange” or “grown-up” dish put on my plate, because at home I was taught to eat what was on the plate and enjoy it. And that’s pretty much it – you gotta enjoy what’s on your plate.
Maybe we will have to buy a car that’s not an Audi TT. Maybe I will have to swallow my own pride and buy another car. But at least I am going to play with that car – spray paint it bright pink and write something on it, or go flower power…or something. Life is not about the cards you are given, it’s about how you play them. And I like to play.
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